Cerita dan Kata-Kata

Halo 28! Saat aku menuliskan tulisan ini, langit hitam sedang bergemuruh menemani derasnya hujan yang membasahi Jogjaku. Pandemi omicron sedang merajalela. Vladimir Putin sedang dicerca habis-habisan karena aksinya mengobrak-abrik Ukraina. Aku baik-baik saja. Setelah kurang lebih dua minggu kujalani di rumah saja. Menikmati kehidupan yang sederhana. 10 hari dikurung pandemi, sementara hari lainnya, pencernaanku menjerit minta perhatian. Tidak masalah. Tuhan punya caranya untuk mengijabah doa-doa umatnya. Aku pernah mengkhayalkan mengambil cuti seminggu full dan merayakan pergantian usia dengan bangun siang. Lalu Tuhan benar-benar mengizinkannya. Aku benar-benar diberi waktu luar biasa banyak untuk beristirahat dan bangun siang. Hanya saja, tanpa manusia-manusia yang kuharapkan ada di hari spesialku. Waktu sudah berganti, tapi hatiku masih di tahun-tahun kemarin. Gegap gemerlap riuh canda tawa dan bombardir cinta di segala media, itu yang biasa aku dapatkan di tanggal 2 Maret...

The truth is I’ve been wanting to write this since the end of December 2021, but here I am with all the excuses in the world to validate why I just hit my keyboard today. 2021 was something. This is what happen when I didn't really know what I had wished for. And when that wish comes true, my life gone upside down.  It begins with something so unpredictable and causes some emotional turmoil but at the end of the day, I survived. I cried. A lot. It was not an easy situation. A situation that shattered my way of thinking and the principles that I had always held high. It leads me to make insanely stupid baseless decision, with no purpose. Thank God for getting me back on the right path.  I always love how God takes care of me. I surrounded by great and nice people that want nothing from me except my happiness. In the darkest side of a tunnel, slightest light shines brighter. And that’s what these people means to me. They are just there. Lending me their shoulders to cry on. Comf...

A simple sorry that came out from your lips was the game changer. I could feel it by the tight of your arms when you put me in to your hug, that you mean it. You don’t want to lose me. Those teary eyes of yours are enough for me to come to my sense that I don’t want to lose you either. I just needed time. As much as you can give me, cause I don’t need another deadline to love or leave.  This time too. Through this whole week, over cups of tea in the evening and night talks, I realized this is the best decision. To be with you, learning to love your every side all over again. Make peace with your choice. Put it in to my daily life. Trying not to make any scene. Turn my misery in to poetry.  I want to be with you as long as I can. Despite of your inability to translate my behavior and your insensitivity towards my feelings, you are still the my best person. I want to cheer for your happiness. I want to be part of your joy. For the rest of my life. As time is ticking and your hai...

Dear Finta, First thing first, I want to say that I’m so much thankful to you. I feel so much loved by you. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for putting me above anything that sounds more logical than your final decision. I know, sometimes you like to make verdicts that seem careless and draw criticism from many people, but one thing I believe from you is that you are always fully aware and willing to take responsibility for all your strange choices. And at the end of the day, that’s fine. We know, regret is our number one enemy so thank you for always have the courage to make decisions. Thank you for not allowing anyone to dictate your life. Thank you for always listening to me, letting me feel and going through every emotion in my heart. You allow me to feel the ups and downs and never ignore it or sleep it away. I’m so grateful that you never underestimate every pebble on the road we walk. Thank you for letting me cry until my eyes swollen. Thank you for allowing me to be selfish ...

What keeps your balance? Mine? My writings.  Thank God I know how to write. Thank God I can be friended with words. What exactly happening right now is that I feel very lonely and afraid. I don’t know how to explain. No, I know. I’m just disappointed of everything. I have that big expectation that in this place, someone will understand. Someone just gives me that comfort. That feeling when I feel accepted. I never thought that at the end, I feel even lonelier, with those standards that I don’t meet.  It’s not that I don’t really meet, but it’s just not me. When I first came to this place, all I want is just a shoulder to cry on. Not someone who seek blessings in disguise. They just don’t understand what I feel. And that’s fine. Coming here made me realize that hoping someone would understand you without any pretention is so overrated.  At the end of the day, I should take care of myself. I should take care of my own feeling. Even wanting a safe place to cry is too much. I...