[Life] Ignore, Its Just a Random Brain Dump

What keeps your balance?

Mine? My writings. 

Thank God I know how to write. Thank God I can be friended with words.

What exactly happening right now is that I feel very lonely and afraid. I don’t know how to explain. No, I know. I’m just disappointed of everything. I have that big expectation that in this place, someone will understand. Someone just gives me that comfort. That feeling when I feel accepted. I never thought that at the end, I feel even lonelier, with those standards that I don’t meet. 

It’s not that I don’t really meet, but it’s just not me.

When I first came to this place, all I want is just a shoulder to cry on. Not someone who seek blessings in disguise. They just don’t understand what I feel. And that’s fine. Coming here made me realize that hoping someone would understand you without any pretention is so overrated. 

At the end of the day, I should take care of myself. I should take care of my own feeling. Even wanting a safe place to cry is too much.

I don’t have that kind of privilege. Now I know that.

Being here has made me even sadder than before. I don’t get to express my feeling. At all. I don’t even have that courage. To tell that I’m sad, I’m angry, I have these reasons, I don’t like this, I don’t like that. 

They just make me even pathetic. Cause they don’t understand. They judged. They want to change me.

I’m not enough.

I’m bad.

I shouldn’t feel what I feel.

That everything in my head is wrong. 

xxx

I understand that people have expectation. And every bit of opportunity is precious. So, they try to use it.

I’m not in the mood to be the bigger person. I’m not in the mood to be understanding. But at the end of the day, I try to swallow my ego, and once again, put the smile on my face. 

Like everything is alright.

Like everything is fine.

You don’t know how much I want to just explode. That to be exact, I’m a ticking bomb ready to crush everything near me.

I’m tired. Super tired. To feel that I’m not enough. To feel that I don’t have the right to be sad. I’m so exhausted. 

When you’re an adult, if you have that safe place to cry on, you should just be grateful.

xxx

I feel scared. I feel really scared. My life has already changed. I’m afraid to come back home and not founding things I’m familiar with. I’m so afraid that thing I hold on to is no longer the same.

I want that familiarity. I’m afraid of change. I’m afraid that I no longer can’t find that same old love in his eyes.