Cerita dan Kata-Kata

A simple sorry that came out from your lips was the game changer. I could feel it by the tight of your arms when you put me in to your hug, that you mean it. You don’t want to lose me. Those teary eyes of yours are enough for me to come to my sense that I don’t want to lose you either. I just needed time. As much as you can give me, cause I don’t need another deadline to love or leave.  This time too. Through this whole week, over cups of tea in the evening and night talks, I realized this is the best decision. To be with you, learning to love your every side all over again. Make peace with your choice. Put it in to my daily life. Trying not to make any scene. Turn my misery in to poetry.  I want to be with you as long as I can. Despite of your inability to translate my behavior and your insensitivity towards my feelings, you are still the my best person. I want to cheer for your happiness. I want to be part of your joy. For the rest of my life. As time is ticking and your hai...

Dear Finta, First thing first, I want to say that I’m so much thankful to you. I feel so much loved by you. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for putting me above anything that sounds more logical than your final decision. I know, sometimes you like to make verdicts that seem careless and draw criticism from many people, but one thing I believe from you is that you are always fully aware and willing to take responsibility for all your strange choices. And at the end of the day, that’s fine. We know, regret is our number one enemy so thank you for always have the courage to make decisions. Thank you for not allowing anyone to dictate your life. Thank you for always listening to me, letting me feel and going through every emotion in my heart. You allow me to feel the ups and downs and never ignore it or sleep it away. I’m so grateful that you never underestimate every pebble on the road we walk. Thank you for letting me cry until my eyes swollen. Thank you for allowing me to be selfish ...

What keeps your balance? Mine? My writings.  Thank God I know how to write. Thank God I can be friended with words. What exactly happening right now is that I feel very lonely and afraid. I don’t know how to explain. No, I know. I’m just disappointed of everything. I have that big expectation that in this place, someone will understand. Someone just gives me that comfort. That feeling when I feel accepted. I never thought that at the end, I feel even lonelier, with those standards that I don’t meet.  It’s not that I don’t really meet, but it’s just not me. When I first came to this place, all I want is just a shoulder to cry on. Not someone who seek blessings in disguise. They just don’t understand what I feel. And that’s fine. Coming here made me realize that hoping someone would understand you without any pretention is so overrated.  At the end of the day, I should take care of myself. I should take care of my own feeling. Even wanting a safe place to cry is too much. I...

Now I wonder what is it that they call home. I know its not a place. It’s a feeling. That feeling I’m constantly searching for.  A comfort. A state where I know I don’t need to prove anything to be loved. A condition where I feel valued and in top of all, a place where I can feel safe. No body do me any harm. I just don’t feel safe to feel what I’m feeling. I don’t get that time for me to just process these things. I’m not in a rush, yet I’m forced to make another moves right after I stumbled on my last step. It’s funny how I forgot what I had so far, for which I was grateful. It's so funny how i thought of letting it all go just to feed an ego when I was blinded.  I asked him, I definitely asked him to love me. It’s too pathetic to be true, but its true. I questioned his feeling. I questioned his love for me. Such a stupid question cause the answer is so clear. That he is screaming his love for me not from his lips. It’s how he treated me. His attitude towards me.  He do...

Where to begin? It feels so weird to finally hit my keyboard writing this post, to share what is on my mind. Like literally dedicating words for myself after those whole bunch of writings I’ve done for work. It startled me when I realized it’s been so long since the last time I be honest to my own feeling. And now, when everything seems like ganging up on me, I know, it’s the right time to untangle every single thought with my favorite weapon: catching up with this blog. So, how’s life, Finta? I love my life even now it’s all a mess. God's now giving me this exam that I know the answer but is really hard for me to do, even though I’ve done it many times before. I’m still not used to it every time it hits me. Yes, the answer is to let go.  But what does it mean to let go? I even googled it. At this very moment, I feel like a kindergartner to that term. It seems like a total new word that I don’t understand at all. Whether I don’t understand or I don’t want to understand because rig...

Aku rasa banyak orang akan setuju kalau tahun 2020 ini adalah tahun yang begitu berbeda, tahun yang lain dari pada tahun-tahun sebelumnya. Ya, aku juga merasa seperti itu. Banyak hal terjadi di tahun ini yang tidak sesuai ekspektasiku. Bukan melulu hal yang buruk, tapi banyak juga hal yang baik. Tahun ini berisikan petualangan emosi yang begitu drastis. Antara sedih sampai sesedih sedihnya, hingga senang sampai sesenang senangnya. Tidak ada yang biasa-biasa saja, membuat tahun ini begitu berkesan untukku. Kesan yang ingin aku kenang selamanya melalui tulisan ini. Aku mengawali tahun ini dengan duka yang begitu besar. Pada bulan Januari, aku dihadapkan pada sebuah situasi yang menguras air mata, energi, hati dan juga pikiran. Namun lucunya, dari situasi besar itu aku banyak sekali hal berharga yang aku dapatkan. Pelajaran tentang mencintai diri sendiri, tentang memaafkan, mengikhlaskan, dan mempercayai rencana besar Tuhan yang pasti baik, meski aku belum mampu memahaminya adalah bebera...