[Life] Something Called Home

Now I wonder what is it that they call home. I know its not a place. It’s a feeling. That feeling I’m constantly searching for. 

A comfort. A state where I know I don’t need to prove anything to be loved. A condition where I feel valued and in top of all, a place where I can feel safe.

No body do me any harm. I just don’t feel safe to feel what I’m feeling. I don’t get that time for me to just process these things. I’m not in a rush, yet I’m forced to make another moves right after I stumbled on my last step.

It’s funny how I forgot what I had so far, for which I was grateful. It's so funny how i thought of letting it all go just to feed an ego when I was blinded. 

I asked him, I definitely asked him to love me. It’s too pathetic to be true, but its true. I questioned his feeling. I questioned his love for me. Such a stupid question cause the answer is so clear. That he is screaming his love for me not from his lips. It’s how he treated me. His attitude towards me. 

He doesn’t want me to be anything but to be happy.

  

Everyone in this world has their own version of happiness. Even if its your own parents, they don’t have the right to define what’s yours. And that is what I will always hold on to.

And he is the one who stand with me with my kind of happiness, with our kind of happiness. The one who is never questioned my choice. The one who always believe. The one who always hug me with his prayers. 

It needs a certain distance, a slap in the face to make me realize what I always have, what kind of privilege I have so far. That I am so lucky and blessed. 

Being far away from home reminds me of what I’ve been avoiding the whole time. It lets me to see clearer of what I’m lack of, what I’m missing and where I’m actually standing in this world full of judgements. 

For all the times when I endured and shaped to become who I am today, its only right to not letting those hurtful words under my skin. For all the times when I struggled to stand on my own feet, to feel enough, to be my own home, its only right to keep boundaries even to your loved ones. To love them from distance. 

Cause when ones cannot value others version of happiness, they simply is not a home for my soul.