[Life] What Does It Mean To Let Go?

Where to begin? It feels so weird to finally hit my keyboard writing this post, to share what is on my mind. Like literally dedicating words for myself after those whole bunch of writings I’ve done for work. It startled me when I realized it’s been so long since the last time I be honest to my own feeling. And now, when everything seems like ganging up on me, I know, it’s the right time to untangle every single thought with my favorite weapon: catching up with this blog.

So, how’s life, Finta?

I love my life even now it’s all a mess. God's now giving me this exam that I know the answer but is really hard for me to do, even though I’ve done it many times before. I’m still not used to it every time it hits me. Yes, the answer is to let go. 

But what does it mean to let go?

I even googled it. At this very moment, I feel like a kindergartner to that term. It seems like a total new word that I don’t understand at all. Whether I don’t understand or I don’t want to understand because right now, it hurts.

Sometimes, to hold on to something that doesn’t serve us anymore is the thing we choose even if we know it eating us up because new world scares us to death. Because the new world that will come to our life if we let go doesn’t provide us a map, or a clue. Everything seems thrilling and it is more like a gamble and the bet is the familiar thing we used to, even if its slowly killing us inside.

The price to not let go is too expensive. All those tears, all those sleepless nights, the emotional turmoil, all those times I’ve wasted for musing over my problem and all those bargaining that never satisfy me. 

I have become the hostage of my own thinking. I have become the prisoner of my own hatred. I’m confined in the criteria of perfection I set for myself and people around me. I’ve been beaten up by my own expectations. Honestly, I’m tired. I need an escape plan. The kind of a plan that can rescue me from this pain. I’ve tried many things but didn’t work out cause my heart has its own ego which is very hard to break. I know I can never go anywhere if this heart is still going around with the ego. 

But isn’t ego that makes us human? Yes and no. I know. And with this devilish part of me, I still stand with my ego, that I know, I need to let go.

Let go. We’re go back to that again. The only escape plan I know but too hard to go through.  

I said I will be here forever. I said I will never leave. But in this enormous world, everything moves, everything expands. Even though I don’t want to. Even though I really love my small but meaningful life, circumstances force me to move on. I have choices to not go along, but as I said before, the price is too high. I can’t afford it anymore. And the small life I have now suffocates me. 

I still don’t have that patience. I still don’t have that power to keep living like nothing happen. I always hope that my decision to go is not because I want to run away. I always hope that my willingness to leave is not because I’m feeding my ego. I just want to keep myself sane. I just want to be alright and focus on everything matter to me. 

I’ve done enough to fight for my loved ones that it tortures me. I’ve trapped in this golden cage for so long that I’m missing out the beauty of stormy nights. I really hope this is not the act of giving up. Giving up is never on my vocabulary. I really hope that this is only the act of moving on. Cause to move is the only thing that make sense right now. I really hope this is just me letting go of things that seem to possess me which I have difficult adjustment.

I really hope this is just me letting go, even right now, I don’t even want to understand what does it mean to let go.