09 January 2015

An Abstraction of 2014

10 days already passed in 2015 and I just having my time to try and summarize the bittersweet year that was 2014, carving out every thought, lessons learned, justifications for my mistakes in the most acceptable way. I’m not making this for anyone else but me, a way for me to self reflecting, to see what happened back then. So, this is my summary of 2014. 

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I live a busy life in 2014, like what was happened in 2013. But in different ways, its harder, because I lost most of my enjoyment in what I do than the past year. I do most of things because ‘I had to do them, I have to finish things I started’. I didn’t complain, but I felt tired most of time.

I’m still the same girl who can do or say yes for things I doubt just because I pity people who asked me. Suck my Javanese blood. And 2014 taught me that no good would happen if this continued to happen. I lost my self in the middle of the commotion. I cheer myself most of time, telling myself that everything is worth it and will end up very soon so I could catch my bed and spend a whole day for myself. But that was literally just bullshit. I have no good relationship with my bed for the whole year, even when the business was over.

2014 is the year when my life all planned. I woke up with a plan. I always know how my time was going to spend. From minutes to minutes, from hours to hours. Even my wasted time was planned. I would felt lost if I didn’t know what to do, and I hate it. Yeah, I may not a girl of strong convictions, I love to feel busy but I hate on a pressure.

It’s hard to keep my head to concentrate on my lectures time, well, in every part of my academics life. I belittled them. I don’t know why I do that, but academics life doesn’t interest me. It feels like I go to the campus just for a presence attendance. Which is…. it’s not supposed to be like that, I go to the number one business school in my country and I act like neglected that. 

My relationship with those I love is pretty terrible too. I made my campus life as my excuse for times I can’t spend with them. Which was true. But I know if I truly love them, I could find more time. But I didn’t. Once I had time, I locked myself in my room, told myself that I need a rest from those dramas I was on and all I need is spaces for me, not for anyone else. Even for the love ones. And I regret myself for doing that.

I catch up with my high school besties at several times, when they could find time to go back to Jogja, or when we were really miss each other or when my head could burst out at any time. Whenever it was, I always take the time as my mind and soul refreshing moment. 

Internal Department of Ikamma is one of the best things I’ve ever had. The seven of them are beyond words. If my life could be drawn by a pie chart, Internal would take 50% part of my mood booster-pie-chart. Like every challenges, every problems, every laughs, every tears, every moment with them are priceless. No matter how heavy my head was, when I went back to them, every shits became nothing and every part of me became fully for them. (More details about Internal will be posted very soon)

Self reflection and motivation to be a better person every single day comes from someone I care much for the past year. He was like my every thought, because his apprehensive way of life. It would be so un-consistent if I told him to take care of his life when I wasn’t. So, I was enjoying my role to be his ‘mother’ while making my life more organized. And for all the A-Z things of our moments, I thank him much for being the one and only PMS-victim of mine :)

I found myself lost in anxiousness most of times. And for almost the half year my everyday was all about to handle the emotions. I know exactly the behind the scenes of the drama but I refuse to deal. I harmed myself for not being honest to the feeling. I keep the ambition and desire because reality scares me. I know I’m sensing a wrong feeling, but the tiny part of the heart told me that it would come the time when all the wrongs turn into rights, there will be a time for my happiness. But to reach the point, I need to survive. 

Bookstores and Korean dramas still are my favorite escape destination when life back breaking me. They are still the best medicine to keep my insanity when there was no one to talk to.  I lost my ability to express what my heart feels in to words because I’m afraid if the writings could make things worse. Silent is a gold, they said. But the moody’s still on. 

I didn’t give much attention to my body’s health, but in the end of the year, I made swimming as my routine sport. The only sport I do. Lately I realized that swimming is a means of expressing emotions that fairly effective. And successfully make me fell into deep sleep. 

I hanged out with unexpected people for several times, just for run from reality and look for something new. To tell myself that the world is larger than my bubble trouble. And it works. Being with new people makes me laugh for things I didn’t even ever crossed my mind. 

Every day went very fast in 2014. Like 24 hours wasn’t enough for me to fulfill my 2014 resolutions, well, I’m good at making excuses. The truth is none of my resolutions been checked. But somehow I don’t feel fail at all. 2014 is the year of learning. I know I could reach more than what I’ve reached now but I thank God for put me in this game. And I always believe that every single thing happen in life is worth it. They happen for reasons. 

2015 maybe just a number, but for me is a new chapter. I’m hoping the year would be different –new adventures, new problems, new mood atmosphere and for meaning to finally surface and shed light to everything that happened over the past year.

I want to get my head straight for the goals I’m on, I don’t want to let all the other things that involve feelings and emotions get in the way of achieving that, or at least not allow them render me dysfunctional and demotivated. 

So, this is it. Hello, 2015!


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